For Every Person Still Standing

I had alot of things going through my head after I read the email. I mean, I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, but it was still kind of a ‘pierce into you heart’ feeling. I don’t know how many more blows we can take, and how many more blows before they understand.

Maybe they won’t. They haven’t, which is why things are going on like that. I think I was negligent. I noticed but I never really did anything about it. Scared? Yeah maybe I was.

I think I understand myself alot to an alarming extent, which is why I am afraid of what I’m feeling right now. I am selfish, when it comes to people I don’t really care about. But I can give alot to those that are important. Lately, I can feel my selfishness. It means something right? It scares me.

I don’t know how I’m hanging on, but I am. Maybe not very tightly but I still am. I need a sign, something, anything to tell me that I’m on the right track, that I’m making the right decision.

This is so bad.

I was actually quite serious about going to Ann’s house to study, but then it was a flop and we ended up with popcorn, titanic and lots of crazy pictures in which some are not suitable for the human eyes.

After Oac meeting, went to Ann’s and it was puoring so heavily. SEE ANN, ALL THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU!!! Then after a while Paddy came with her Titanic Dvd.

It is a stupid movie.

Tried to make some popcorn because Ann made it look so fun. But I burnt it and we played with the smoke for a few minutes. Cheap thrill.

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Had Bukit Timah training with the team yesterday. Fun!

Pictures up tmrw!

Stupid mosquito bites, they are so ANNOYING! They are like everywhere and they are getting so irritating i feel like tearing out my skin.

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I have to wake up early tmrw to go to school. I think I might oversleep and Lydia will give me a lovely lecture and I will give her my ‘zhujun smile’ and say sorry. And then will be hopping over to AnnAnnAnnAnn’s place to hopefully study and play with her. I am so excited at the thought of clearing my homework.

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My dress arrived in mail! Okay, its not a dress anymore because the mum says its too short, so it will be my shirt but I still love it anyway!!! And Grace has the black one so we have matchy matchy shirts hahahaha!

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My room is so awesome now because I finally packed it and now there’s space to walk around and I won’t trip over some random pile of books hidden in some random corner. There is now more space to do homework. Joy, really.

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Grace came over just now to borrow stuff for her trip. I was so noisy because I miss her! She is sunburnt with a sexy voice. And she told my sister to throw me away because i was too noisy. This kind of friend! Wanted to lend her the thermal underwear but they were at Grandma’s house. Just brought them home, omg they are so cute. Grace, you will look funny hahahaha!

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Stupid mosquitoes, squash all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had Big Breakfast from Macs today! Thats the only thing from Macs that I like.

My head is filled with random thoughts.

1) I am adjusting from post SLCamp syndrome. My mosquito bites are semi-killing me, they are EVERYWHERE!!

2) I just checked Matrix and there’s so much to do but that makes me excited because I like the feeling of having a goal, it makes me motivated. But being motivated is one things and actually doing it is another. GO ZHUJUN!!

3) Grace is going to India on Saturday and I’m going to send her off. I love the airport, it gives me a nice feeling. Will bring homework there to do.

4) There’s training on tuesday. I don’t feel any anger or anything now. I think my head is clearer. Anger fogs up my head and makes me think nasty things. I want to start on a fresh slate and do things even better. I hope I have enough strength to do it! I miss Peiwen alot!

5) I feel like going swimming, and fishing, and picnic-ing. I wish there was a big field for me to roll around, is Marina Barrage big enough? Haven’t been there before… There are so many thnings I want to do but I must prioritise!

6) My parents bought 2 pints of HaagenDaz. I love!

7) Mum says I have to REALLY pack my room because my things are everywhere and its getting difficult to walk around. I think so to but I never get down to doing it.

8) I am craving for Ikea’s meatballs and hotdogs and soft icecream

9) I have a nice feeling about it:D

MY DREAMS ARE BURSTING AT THE SEAMS!!

Today is a happy day!

Except for the sms I received in the afternoon, nothing can burst my happy bubble woohoo!

I am looking forward to Saturday

Back from SLCamp, back a better person!

I think I found what I was really looking for and I’m glad. The weather was awesome, aside from the slight drizzling on the first day, I think the sun really loved us. I got to know some really cool people from Group9:D

Our super raft that got us first!

Was sweating like crazy just from tying the knots and lugging the barrels around. OAC knots came in handy!

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Square dash! Oh my, I am shiny hahaha

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Landing on beloved Ubin where the mosquitoes had buffet.

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(left to right)

My bimbo friend, OACgirl, Christine, Sabanana

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Raft complete= happy Group9, sweaty, blisters, rope burns, but still smiling!

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Group9 FTW!!!

We were really the dark horse. Because during amazing race we were so late, but we still came in first. Our ‘nua’ skit actually came in 3rd, laugh my socks off. I LOVE GROUP9!!!

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With GRACIEEE!!

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I really really enjoyed this camp, I learnt many things. Even though it wasn’t as tiring and strenuous as June camp, I felt that I gained more. Every activity had a lesson and I think I learnt well. I hope OAC has activities like these. Meaningful ones. Not ones where…. nevermind I promised myself not to keep thinking about it.

My mind is clear!

I think I have a clear goal now!

Give me strength to work towards it:D

Checking and re-checking and re-re-checking the bag. I HAVE THIS FEELING THAT I FORGOT TO PUT SOMETHING INSIDE. Off to camp, Miss me babies:D

Packing for tmrw’s SLC camp, I’m excited!!! It sounds so fun and I think I’m going to love the activities we’re going to do:D

This is the first camp I’m going in TJ without OAC. Even though it feels a little weird without the team, I’m kind of looking forward to it. I mean, I love OAC activities and I love my team alot, but sometimes I really hate the way things are run. I just feel that even though being in this PDP opened many doors of opportunities for me, its also closing alot of doors. I don’t deny that OAC has made me a stronger person, not just physically, but I see myself growing in many other aspects and I’m thankful. But when I see myself missing the things that are important to me, I start to have this nagging feeling.

I feel sad that I’m so affected by our actitivies and all the politics going on. Even though we pretend not to care and pretend we’re not really that affected, we are. I’d love to say I don’t care about your opinions of me but you know we’re all affected in one way or another. I feel like I’m not even given any options or space to think because I’m expected to just accept what’s thrown to me. Maybe I’ve done that too often that’s putting me in this position today.

I’m really pressurized right now, and it’s getting worse when I accept things because of the guilt trip I’m sent down everytime someone throws me the reason that she sees the same people compromising every single time our team can’t agree on something. And now thats its accumulating for so long, I think I finally see what’s bugging me. We all have a different set of priorities. This sounds selfish but I realised that I don’t need to see myself suffer to make you feel comfortable. We live by different reasons so why should mine be any wrong than the rest. After so long of just giving in whenever I get pressured, I think its time I do something for myself. I didn’t join to see myself miserable everyday. Perhaps its the constant giving in thats making me lose the drive and I hate it.

So I’m going to try hard, I’m going to find the passion I’ve lost and I’m not going to let it go. But at the same time I want to live by my own set of priorities and not yours, because ultimately I don’t live to please anyone.

I hope the next time I can gather enought courage to speak infront of the team. But until then, I will work hard towards what is important to me, even if it means standing my ground and making things difficult. I’ve missed too many things, the people who are most important to me, and I don’t want to lose them again if they come by. I hope they respect my decision but even if they don’t its not really up to them to decide.

I promise that during the camp I will keep my mind of all the things that are fogging up my head. Then when I return a more clear headed person, I want to face them.

I want to go on to better things and become a better person:D

I am so sleepy now.

Last night, caught Paranormal Activity with Grace and Sherwin. I’m never going to watch another horror film with them E V E R.

In the end I couldn’t sleep at night, everytime my aircon makes some sound I get so freaked out then all the movie starts to play in my mind, and then mind goes wild and there goes my sleep.

Woke up at 5 the next day for Aviation Run with Peewee. The first 2.5km was damn shiok because there was cold wind blowing at us. But once we turned to face the other direction, I wanted to die because the sun was shining on my face and it was burning my face, then I had to squint the whole way cuz the sun was in my eyes. Timing was okay, the run felt good, but the weather was so horrible):

Then later Dad sent us to school for campcraft sessions which was useless cuz me and Pw were 3hours late hahaha. Went out with OAC for lunch, now I’m back at home, bathed, put my mask.

tired, am going to sleep now

PS: I bought this super cute organiser for next year and its red I love it!!

Had some nice ramen that I cooked. Yes I know its instant…

Its nice, will remind the mothership to get more of them:D

Had a nice talk with Grace today. Thankyou heavy rain! Because I think I got to know my friend better and I think its a good feeling:D Even though we only know each other for less than a year, you’re a good friend^^

Paranormal Activity tmrw with Grace:) and Sherwin.

Even though both of you say you won’t scare me but whatever I think you’re lying. And BOTH OF YOU WILL MAKE SURE I DIE OF FRIGHT.